The Begining

Sometimes I was I could change time. You know back to before what I became. Back when I never knew what a broken heart felt like. Back when my first boyfriend dumped me. Well I dumped him but he push away after that. We are not even friends. I was angry at him. A few months later I ended up with his best friend. Even though I really wanted his best friend the whole time, when I finally started dating his best friend, I cryed over him. Josh Hubert was my first and Josh Arsenault was his best friend. Ever since I meant Arsenault over 7 years ago, I had always wanted him. But when I finally got with Arsenault, I cryed for the longest time over Hubert. Why I do not know. Because now I could care less about Hubert. He was a jerk to me after. Although Arsenault was a jerk to me when we were together now he is not. A part of me wants to be with him but why should he get the chance with me now. He should have proved he really wanted me, but then again who wants someone that cheats on them all the time. Maybe the reason why I cheat was because the first boyfriend I ever had I was 17, almost 18. Maybe I was trying to make up for the lost time. I started losing a lot of weight and that is when I ended up with Hubert. And when I was with Arsenault I was getting really skinny, but it was too skinny. But that is what he wanted me to be but the funny thing is he doesn't like boney girls get he would tell me I needed to lose weight. Go figure. Maybe the reason I think of he so much and that we never really had closure. We never really were finish with each other, everyone assumed. It so hard to do it now because of the way things ended, with me getting into an accident all because I couldn't wait. I won't say exactly what I mean. Everybody didn't want us together but we wanted to be together. I think if John wasn' t in the picture we would still be together. But I wouldn't be able to have a family, they would most likely disown me or be mad a t me all the time. I picked my family over him. I picked my family over someone that I will always love, even if the love chances I will always love him. He was my first love and he tells me now that I am his true love at the worst time possible. I love John and I want to get married and have children with him. I want to have a house and a life with him. He is so true to me and he loves me so much and it is so hard to accept that. I am so afraid that things will end up like what happened with Josh or worse. and I really don't need people f*cking with me. I am not in the mood for people to get in on my business. Yes I have just written about a lot of personal stuff but John knows all of this. We talk about everything. We are very open with each other, or I should say he is open with me. Yes I have a few secrets but that is my business and I am not ready to tell them yet and no one knows one of them. Yes I can kept secrets and guess what I am not ever going to tell. What is mine and what was mine is always mine and never anybody elses. Trust me, you don't want to go there.