He says, " These days seem so long without you, now the sun doesn't shine as bright as it did when we were alone, together."

Sometimes people change and you might not always like it. But the feelings for the past are still there. How do you know if there feelings are still there? They might say one thing but mean something different or they might just say it you to get back in your pants. What happens when you tell them you are in engaged? How do you think they will react? He doesn't know yet. Maybe there is a part of me that can't tell him just in case he still loves me, it may crush him. But at the same time he knew it would happen, but he seemed to doubt it for his sake. What do you do? Tell him and then have him hurt more or tell him later, when it is too late for him? But then again, it should be too late for him, but deep down you know it isn't. You swear that some day he will change and that you will wait for him, but really he won't unless maybe there it something you can do about it. What is it, get married, have children, you change yourself?

Stuck on That

Have you felt that you are stuck with someone for the rest of your life. I don't mean like a child or any other family member, unless it was an ex. Sometimes people that you try to let go of show up later in your life. It's not easy to forget, I don't think your supposed to forget, how else would you learn anything.

Feeling Down

I feel so down in the dumps. Why do they say first loves are hard to get over. It makes it seems there is an excuse to hold on. Even if you have a new life, one that you have always wanted sometimes it feels incomplete. It that stupid saying. Not having closure doesn't help the sitution. I always thought maybe if he changed things would work out, but I see that things will never change. He is stubborn and I can't only blame him for everything. I did a lot but at least I am willing to change or try.

"There was a time When I was so broken hearted Love wasn't much of a friend of mine The tables have turned, yeah Cause me and them ways have parted That kind of love was the killin' kind Now listen All I want is someone I can't resist I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm tryin' to forget you Love is sweet misery I was cryin' just to get you Now I'm dyin' Ôcause I let you Do what you do - down on me Now there's not even breathin' room Between pleasure and pain Yeah you cry when we're makin' love Must be one and the same It's down on me Yeah I got to tell you one thing It's been on my mind Girl I gotta say We're partners in crime You got that certain something What you give to me Takes my breath away Now the word out on the street Is the devil's in your kiss If our love goes up in flames It's a fire I can't resist v I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm tryin' to forget you Your love is sweet misery I was cryin' just to get you Now I'm dyin' Ôcause I let you Do what you do to me Cause what you got inside Ain't where your love should stay Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain't love If you give your heart away I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm tryin' to forget you Your love is sweet misery I was cryin' just to get you Now I'm dyin' just to let you Do what you do what you do down to me, baby, baby, baby I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm tryin' to forget you Your love is sweet misery I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm dyin' cause I let you Do what you do down to , down to, down to, down to I was cryin' when I met you Now I'm dyin' to forget you Your love is sweet I was cryin' when I met you" This would be the song that explains a lot of our relationship that we had and now. Other things that remind is 80's music, cold nights, mellow days, the woods, hidden lakes, night drives, and just a lot of little things. I know I will start to forgetthese things or hope that I will. I need to move on from the past. This time it really feels like it is over. JOhn cam into my life and I just can't see any others. John is the cut off, no more. John is the one I want to marry and be with. I want to start a life and family. I know that we have been together only for 6 and a half months, and I know that I won't completely be over Josh but I will one day and then John will be the all one I think about but till then all I can do is slowy forget Josh. I may forget but I know that I will always love him.

The Begining

Sometimes I was I could change time. You know back to before what I became. Back when I never knew what a broken heart felt like. Back when my first boyfriend dumped me. Well I dumped him but he push away after that. We are not even friends. I was angry at him. A few months later I ended up with his best friend. Even though I really wanted his best friend the whole time, when I finally started dating his best friend, I cryed over him. Josh Hubert was my first and Josh Arsenault was his best friend. Ever since I meant Arsenault over 7 years ago, I had always wanted him. But when I finally got with Arsenault, I cryed for the longest time over Hubert. Why I do not know. Because now I could care less about Hubert. He was a jerk to me after. Although Arsenault was a jerk to me when we were together now he is not. A part of me wants to be with him but why should he get the chance with me now. He should have proved he really wanted me, but then again who wants someone that cheats on them all the time. Maybe the reason why I cheat was because the first boyfriend I ever had I was 17, almost 18. Maybe I was trying to make up for the lost time. I started losing a lot of weight and that is when I ended up with Hubert. And when I was with Arsenault I was getting really skinny, but it was too skinny. But that is what he wanted me to be but the funny thing is he doesn't like boney girls get he would tell me I needed to lose weight. Go figure. Maybe the reason I think of he so much and that we never really had closure. We never really were finish with each other, everyone assumed. It so hard to do it now because of the way things ended, with me getting into an accident all because I couldn't wait. I won't say exactly what I mean. Everybody didn't want us together but we wanted to be together. I think if John wasn' t in the picture we would still be together. But I wouldn't be able to have a family, they would most likely disown me or be mad a t me all the time. I picked my family over him. I picked my family over someone that I will always love, even if the love chances I will always love him. He was my first love and he tells me now that I am his true love at the worst time possible. I love John and I want to get married and have children with him. I want to have a house and a life with him. He is so true to me and he loves me so much and it is so hard to accept that. I am so afraid that things will end up like what happened with Josh or worse. and I really don't need people f*cking with me. I am not in the mood for people to get in on my business. Yes I have just written about a lot of personal stuff but John knows all of this. We talk about everything. We are very open with each other, or I should say he is open with me. Yes I have a few secrets but that is my business and I am not ready to tell them yet and no one knows one of them. Yes I can kept secrets and guess what I am not ever going to tell. What is mine and what was mine is always mine and never anybody elses. Trust me, you don't want to go there.